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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 12, 2012 7:30pm-8:00pm PST

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you, with an ovation like that, you make me almost wish i stayed in this race. ( laughter ) folks, our top story tonight, it is my mother's birthday. and the "colbert report" can now project that lorna colbert is 92 years old. happy birthday, mom. of course there is one other story tonight. our continuing coverage of the 2012 election. excitement in the air is palpable and, folks, i cannot wait to palp it. tonight, we are live. ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you. okay, i'm sorry. jimmy, can we retake that, please? >> we can't, we're live. >> stephen: oh, we really are live. i thought i was just duping these rubes. lets cut out that part where i called these mouth breathers rubes. now let's get straight to our coverage.
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it is 11:33 eastern time on election night. at this point, the election is too close to call. anything can happen. romney could win, obama could win, and that's it. those two. but it could be a very long night and we will be live for as long as it takes, as long as it takes is the next half hour. you got to be done before the election special, which is a video of a go getting nailed in the crotch by a pumpkin. ( laughter ) that was called an october surprise. i'm being handed a piece of paper, and it is a napkin. this is blank. no wait, it's, wait, it is a tear stained napkin. this is a napkin soaked with liberal tears. that can mean only one thing. ladies and gentlemen, the
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colbert report is ready to project that cnn has projected that animal planet has predicted that the winner of the 2012 presidential election is barack obama. ( crowd cheering ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yes, ladies and gentlemen. yes, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i did read that well. america has elected its first black president for an historic first second time. ( laughter ) of course obama... of course let's remember, obama is only half black. it is possible in his second term, he will be white. ( laughter )
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at this point, i think he owes that to us. frankly, folks, i'm stunned, i really thought romney would win. now, i'll never get to see the inaugural ball and his first dance with refalca. ♪ at last, my love ♪ has come along fine, america, it's your funeral. we tried to warn you about this guy. a multimedia empire tell you he was a america hating socialism loving anti-wealth redistributor who was probably lying about his birth place and his religion. why did we pull our punches? i tell you what. we job creators are not going to take it. we are going golf. just like an ayn rand's "atlas shrugged" and leave you on an island where only you can
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live, manhattan. now think about this. just think this through, folks. now, "obamacare" is here to stay. ( cheers and applause ) sure, a single illness won't wipe out your life's savings. but at what cost? ( laughter ) a lower one. ( laughter ) and now you have to wait for hours in line for medical scare instead of immediately not getting any. oh and you think you own your house, mister. think again. everything belongs to the village now. when you get home tonight, it will be converted into a lesbian food co-op. and guess what, it's your turn to pack the turnips, and i don't mean starchy tubers. there is a smattering of obama supporters here tonight, right? ( crowd cheering ) no, go ahead, enjoy yourselves.
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because folks, you bought it. you bought the lie, hook, line and sinker. america's a quick drunk and an easy lay. apparently, we have to show up in a nice suit give free healthcare save the auto industry and kill bin laden, and that old girl will put out. sure, no, sure, sure folks. see my protests first, make some faint noises about defending the constitution. but whip out your class warfare and up come the skirts. will america respect herself in the morning? you could have gone with that nice romney boy. ( laughter ) what was his name? mitt. no, that can't be right, mitt's not a name. ( laughter ) remember... remember how stiff and awkward he was when he came a-courting.
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he was so sweet. a good man, a sober man. a man who shared your beliefs or any other belief. ( laughter ) and he offered you... he offered you everything a girl could want. military build-up, oil drilling on national parks, a massive across the board tax cut. but no, you had to suffer right at the ocean. so have your fun tonight, but tomorrow morning, you'll wake up and you'll have to take that walk of shame, wearing nothing but your obama t-shirt and you're enfranchise new -- ( crowd cheering ) because on your way home, you'll pass mitt's house because there's probably one in your town. he's got a lot of houses. ( laughter ) and then, you'll realize you made a terrible mistake. then it will be too late. you had the chance and you
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rejected him. and now mitt romney will never want your vote again. ( crowd cheering ) i mean, at least for a few years. romney '16, think about it. we'll be right ba
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody.
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my guest tonight is a bearded conservative who famously supports barack obama. after this, he will be going to the smithsonian. please welcome andrew sullivan. ( cheers and applause ) ( crowd cheering ) ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: hi, andrew. >> hi, stephen. ( laughs ) >> stephen: all right. come on. gloat. i'll put a poncho on. >> i just want to taste the tears of unfathomable sadness. ( crowd cheering )
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>> stephen: can i get a rain check on that one, andrew? >> right now. karl rove is challenging his own polling unit and telling him they're wrong. >> stephen: what do you think happens to karl now, he promised my billionaire friend that if they give him $300 million he would deliver obama on a platter. >> does he have to go into a witness protection program now. i mean sheldon adleson poured million in six races and lost all six of them. money is not... ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen:all right. what's next? how do i stop obama in 2016? >> you can't. as a black man in power who has nothing to lose. ( crowd cheering ) >> i've got to say that that's really scary.
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that's like white power literature you just passed down. power with nothing to lose. >> that's the paranoia going on. >> stephen: america, you're from europe. okay, that's like america, we all become europe over here. do i have to drive on the other side of the road now? say "top of the morning." >> the great thing is in europe four years ago unemployment is 8%; now it's almost 12%. under obama in america without austerity, which romney was promising, unemployment is now back to where it was when it started. so america's going in the right direction. europe's going to follow obama, i think. ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: let's talk turkey. i want to give you a preview of my play book. you know what the second term's all about, right? it's about impeachment. get ready for these words, okay. i got two words for you ben got
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got -- benghazi solyndra. i don't know what they mean. >> you're speaking european to me. what the hell does that mean? >> benghazi wasn't deciding the issue of this campaign because it's at the moment when the closure of the republican rights, the field bubble has been burst, and it's going to be fascinating to see what happens when they meet actual reality. ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: you underestimate our armor, my friend. you used to be a conservative. >> i am a conservative. >> bull dookie! if we weren't live -- >> those moderate republicans, now called moderates in those polls voted for moderate republicans called barack obama who is a very moderate president. has been and most people understand that. ( crowd cheering )
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>> stephen: so what happens? is there now a civil war within the republican party. >> i hope so. because i want conservatism to revive. i want it to be connected to reality, to what's going on in the world ,to the changing demographics of the society, the changing nature of the society and come up with constructive proposals to help solve our problems. i want the republican party to make "obamacare" better rather than actually just abolishing it. i want... ( crowd cheering ) i want the republican party to accept that climate change is happening, for goodness sake. ( crowd cheering ) and i don't think they've been open to persuasion so far, but i think the one thing they understand is losing. and they believe they won by a landslide. they're telling us, george will and michael barone were predicting-- they're not crazy,
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mainstream republicans very serious people telling us it would be a landslide for romney. where do they go now? >> stephen: i know the problem. they weren't conservative enough. you know conservativism cannot fail, you can only fail conservativism. they did not field a true conservative out there. >> he had a severe conservative -- conservative -- >> stephen: that guy was flip flopping all over the place. i never believed him. i never believed that guy. he's a massachusetts moderate. i said that from the beginning, andrew. check the tape. >> we will have to check the tape. but no, paul ryan was the way in which he persuaded the republican base that he's one of them. i mean he had the republican base. he did not lose this election because he wasn't conservative enough. he lost the moderates in the middle in places like ohio, in places like florida where he just couldn't afford to. and i think it's a triumph of an actual campaign against pure cynicism and lies. and i think that is a huge victory for the american people,
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i really do. ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: please come again. >> will do. >> stephen: and please tell your liberal friends i will see them in hell. andrew sullivan. p@2?
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. ( crowd cheering )
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you know, in addition to the presidential race, tonight the leadership of congress could change hands. or in the case of senate minority leader mitch mcconnell, amphibious flippers. they only need to pick up four seats and they'll seize control. with that in mind, let's take a look at some of the key races. the colbert report can now conform former governor angus king has won, making the first senate seat ever held by a burger king menu item. ( laughter ) and folks, this is true. this king is an independent. you can say good-bye to bipartisan gridlock and say hello to tri-partisan gridlock. screw you with melted better, maine. now, in indiana joe donnelly has beaten richard mooreduck after
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mourdock made controversy comment of rape being god's intention disproving the old political adage there's no such thing as bad rape publicity. now we're also following the senate race in wisconsin where tammy baldwin has become... she has become the first lesbian senator. well, first openly lesbian senator because you're not fooling anybody, lindsey graham. ( laughter ) now of course in addition to the senate, we're also tracking all the nation's referenda. california alone has 11 ballot measures this year, and florida has many that most voters simply scroll to the bottom and click "i agree." there's one in los angeles that could affect the entire country. los angeles county voters will decide on election day if adult
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film actors should film condoms while shooting porn films as the sex initiative measure b would not only mandate the use of condoms but also require the los angeles department of public health to lead inspection and enforcement efforts. that's right, folks, more burdensome regulations for america's job creators in the key sectors of hand rim and blow. but, folks, i got to say today's most watched initiative have to do with marijuana. that's right. everyone's watching you, marijuana users. it's your mom. >> the question is on marijuana legalization. it is up in three states examine we're not talking about decriminalizing marijuana, we're not talking about marijuana for medicinal uses. we're talking about actually legalizing marijuana in colorado, washington and oregon. and that will be for anybody over the age of 21.
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>> stephen: what is this country coming to? 21 year olds allowed to smoke marijuana? it makes me want to drink myself into a blind rage and do something i'll regret. ( laughter ) by the way, last time i checked, the pro-marijuana votes were up 57 over 42 against. so jimmy, lock the door before my audience moves to denver. ( laughter ) we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, folks, that's it for tonight's live report. i just want to say before we go, whether you voted for barack obama or mitt romney, tomorrow some of you will be elated and some of you will be crushed. for some, it will be like christmas morning; for others the fifth night of hanukkah. ( laughter ) or so my writers tell me.
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so what now? ( laughter ) where from here? the game is over and the whistle's blown. but we all line up and shake hands and if so, did debra's mom remember the orange slices. with the election over, do we lance the boil of hyper- partisanship once and for all and begin to heal, or do we let it callous over into an abscess, fed by the puss of the media who thrive on an atmosphere of petty squabbling and personal vitriol. that's a high price to pay for momentary political gains. i for one am more than willing to have you pay it. ( laughter ) so if your guy won, when you pull into work tomorrow, just take a moment and do a few doughnuts in the parking lot. then, if you're like me, stride into work, sport your throbbing victory wood. don't wave it in everybody's
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face. or if you do wave it, be considerate and hang an air freshener on it. meanwhile, if your guy lost, bite your tongue, focus on your work and the first chance you get, you punch that a-hole right in the air freshener and you say "see you in 2016." good night, america. god bless you all. ( crowd cheering ) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh [♪...]@ h0p >> announcer: ladies and gentlemen, please welcome jeff dunham. [cheering and applause]